just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize