New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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