I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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