new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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