I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He felt like a one man threesome
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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