Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
