Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
