she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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