Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
