Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
