i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize