I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
