what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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