Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
