Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize