Only a mothe r could love this liver
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
