I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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