I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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