Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
