the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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