we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize