The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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