My first STD was from a foam party
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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