I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize