Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
