the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
