where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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