never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
