A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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