I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
