The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
