they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
