I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
