I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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