Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
