no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
