if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
