Your face is a jimmy john
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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