You're so nebulous sometimes
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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