apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
