I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
