This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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