dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to make a zoo with you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
