i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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