When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
