you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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