omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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