While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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