Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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