You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
