You made me cry and you don't even care
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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