That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
