I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
