Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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