so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
