I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
