So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
